Longing
by Vivicide
Summary: Tali'Zorah documents her innermost thoughts and feelings while on the Normandy SR1, such feelings occasionally bubbling to the surface.. Shepard possibly knows how she feels already as she writes of her love.


_There were very few sounds one could hear besides the booming sounds of the engine. Listen carefully.. very carefully.. and you could hear the heightened breathing of a Quarian frantically tapping away at what upon a glance appeared to simply be a nondescript document. Take a closer look at her behaviour in regards to the document she was typing out and you would realise that it was a private one. A special one, intended only for one person to read. A diary, perhaps. Her name was Tali'Zorah. Perhaps she was alone for now but in truth Tali knew that she never really felt alone, for it was a certain somebody that inspired her to write the things she had begun to write.._

You greet me. Sometimes I see you first and jump as quickly as I can to say hello and be near you, be part of your life again and again, make you know how much I adore you. Each time I try to get you first. But you.. you surprise me, and your surprises never cease to amaze me just as with the many beauties I see within you. You are fast, you are quick and you beat me. But I am fine with that because its you. Its always you and I adore it. I adore you. You say hello. You are so sweet to me, yet firm. You are strong-willed and yet you are open with your weaknesses.

You are beautiful to me, yes you are. Did you know..? Yes you are, yes you are. Part of your beauty is in your occasional defiance towards me, but it's also in your care for me. You are defiant and I love that – you challenge me, you make me feel challenged and new, both strong and weak, but a strength gained by my feelings and a weakness that I do not fear, not do I fear to show it to you. You are there and yet I hope. You are sweet to me and I want to give to you. I want to create for you. I want to build things, draw things, make great works of art, gifts of utility so that you might know the growing strength of the feelings I have. I want to be yours and to have to be mine. I want to love you and be loved by you.

Not in the way that is so common either. Platonic love is not what I seek. Many say that human sexuality is fluid and that while you all have your preferences, that it is never static, it is never boxed in unless you let it be so. Maybe there is some truth to this and I hope so, for I want to hold you gently, kiss you on the neck and tell you that I love you one day. I know that there are fundamental differences between us and our interests but everything has its exceptions, special cases, and love knows no bounds in whatever forms it can take. This feeling grows despite that something being different but I know that it cannot be a boundary, for I see it in your words, in the things you say and the things you do to be near me, to talk to me, how you treat me. At least I hope that I am perceiving this correctly and it is not just the hope of a lovesick fool.

The feeling grows over time and for now I simply revel in telling you that you are dear to me, and that you really are, but this is a record of how much more I feel. A record that you may never read, or one that perhaps you have already discovered and kept that knowledge to yourself. Or perhaps you do not need to read it at all in order to know it and my attitude and actions give it away that I feel so strongly about you.

How I want to be with you and how some day I want to hear sweet words from you. Words enough to convey some feelings, to be lost in a growing desire, a growing attraction to who you are and what you have been, what you are becoming. Yet I am nervous, - still so nervous – for I am something different, an unknown factor, something that will be or can be though, and somebody who wants you and hopes you might want me back. Is it possible? I make you smile and you make me smile much the same.

I see your face. Behind it all there, behind all these words and actions, thoughts and feelings that we share and that we allow to remain silent, there is still more beauty. You talk to me and it hits. The feeling inside. Pounding, my heart thumps and blood races faster and faster throughout my system. My heart-rate goes skyward, at least I feel like it does and my spine feels shivers coursing down my back as I am in your presence. You must know by now that I feel differently than the others about you, that something is different. Very different. I try to hide it and allude to it but to no avail. You seem to know anyway and I try to avoid admitting it outright, choosing subtlety and hints as an easier option to avoid the potential of being burnt into a husk, yet you seem to deny that this is even a possibility. You say things close to how I feel. I try to but the words do not come out of my mouth quickly enough for me to say them, for fear of rejection.

I am growing to love you in a romantic way and this has been for quite some time now and as it continues I want and hope for the same from you. You do not say "no" so it is possible that one day I can love you truly, the way that I know we can do.. and when I show this to you, know that I mean every last word of what I have written here.

"_Tali'Zorah? Tali'Zorah! We need you back in engineering, there seems to be a problem with the fuel interfaces and we cannot seem to figure it out." The lone Quarian rose up from the chair at her table, her hands trembling a little, her heart beating as if she had run from one end of the ship to the other and back again. "I'm on my way!" _

_

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Dedicated to somebody, you know who you are.  
_


End file.
